Monday, October 28, 2013
How to Survive the Apocalypse (As Taught by YA Fiction)
I used to think that, if aliens took over or a meteor crashed to earth or half of us turned into zombies or microwaves turned out to be evil sentient brain-zapping machines, I'd totally be the first to die. I still think that, but now I realize I might have a fighting chance in our hypothetical zombie-alien-microwave apocalypse. Why? Because of just how many YA novels I've read set in fraught times. It's not just survival of the fittest anymore, folks. It's survival of the best read. I've done the research.
Here are some of the tips I've learned from YA novels over the years:
Find water, stay near water, water water water. Katniss knows this, the chick in Not A Drop to Drink knows this. WATER.
Shoot first, ask question later. Better to be safe and guilty than sorry and dead! The apocalypse doesn't care if you're a good person or not. NEITHER SHOULD YOU.
Fall in love with someone really hot, because you'll probably survive if your life has a better storyline in it. Zombies only eat ugly people with no boyfriends.
Don't do anything anybody in this book did.
Schools, supermarkets, and prisons make for optimal environments to be trapped in. Schools, because then your struggle for life can neatly mirror the sociological tropes found in most high school societies, prisons, because why not, and supermarkets, because food. Try to be stuck in one of them already when the apocalypse beings. I'll write a post on tips for getting sent to prison some other time.
Don't make friends with other boys besides your boyfriend because they are probably aliens in disguise who want to eat you or kill you or sex you. It's hard to tell with aliens.
Do not have too big a group with you, because a lot of them will clearly die because its hard to keep track of too many characters and why put yourself through that. Especially if they are girls who are prettier and more interesting than you. They will totally die.
DON'T EVER TRUST ADULTS OR THE GOVERNMENT OR PEOPLE THAT SOUND AT ALL REASONABLY INTELLIGENT. THEY TOTALLY WORK FOR THE ZOMBIES/ALIENS/MICROWAVES.
Never, EVER separate. "You check that floor for zombies, I'll check this floor, we'll meet at the top!" Yeah, NO. You deserve to have your face eaten off. You idiot. And if someone bangs on the window or doors, DON'T LET THEM IN! They want to eat your face and not in a good way!
If one douchebag is out-douchebagging the rest of the people in your survival group, trying to be the leader and making dumb-ass decisions, just kill him. Immediately. He'll just die later anyway. Then eat him for dinner. The supermarket-ware won't last forever!
Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant, and die. Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, okay, promise? Okay, now everybody take some rubbers.
With this fool-proof guide, you're sure to survive whatever the end of days happens to throw at you. Except for werewolves. I've got nothing against those things. You're on you're own. This can only end in tears.